May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
