I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
