Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
