Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
