I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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