Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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