Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's official drugs can't kill me
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
