He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
he's gonorrhea incarnate
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
