the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
