If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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