I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
