help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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