Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
