I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
