My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
