Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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