He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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