I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
