I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
