dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
