I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
