evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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