i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
