Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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