I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
