i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
