Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We have started to decorate penises.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
