my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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