...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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