I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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