when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
