I wish I could teleport
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
