my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
