So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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