chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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