I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
