she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
