We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
