i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
