I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
