Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
