There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
