If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
