i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
