Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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