For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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