true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
