There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
