Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
