Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Need sex. Gaining weight.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
