Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
