So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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